I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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