You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
