all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
