I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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