I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
