My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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