the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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