you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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