The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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