filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
