Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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