In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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