do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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