why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
