remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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