your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
