Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
