I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Randomize
