hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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