Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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