somebody snuck up and got me drunk
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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