So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
