I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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