Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
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