Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Panties = found
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
