just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
