i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
