The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize