The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
