fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
