I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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