I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
