Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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