Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize