if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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