my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
