The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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