I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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