I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
