Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
