My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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