we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
