I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
