you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
