I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize