This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
