I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
