News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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