If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
