I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
