I'm jealous of your bromance
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
