I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
