My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
