youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Randomize
