he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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