If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Who died my cat blue again?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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