a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
