I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
